Singing in the rain called Cancer

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I have cancer.

I honestly don’t know where to start or what to say.  I now realize I haven’t made this statement out loud, I haven’t spoken of it to anyone other than family, and I’m having a really hard time writing about it now; but for some reason I feel I have to get it off my chest.

I was diagnosed on February 23rd, 2017. When my doctor told me the news I felt like time completely stopped, I heard his voice in slow-motion, and I felt like I was falling. As I sat there in utter shock he began to explain the pathology report and my disease, “the biopsy shows that it is a rare malignant tumor called a myxoid liposarcoma”.

During the later summer of 2016 I felt a slightly larger than normal lump in my upper right thigh. It didn’t hurt or bother me but I thought it was unusual because I had never noticed it before. I showed my husband who also felt it was nothing to worry about and we both  went on with our day. I consider myself a fairly healthy 31 year old woman. I workout 3-5 times a week, eat as “clean” as I possibly can Monday through Friday and I have one too many cheat meals over the weekends. I enjoy an occasional moscow mule or glass of cabernet sauvignon while eating anything sweet and salty. After finding the lump I decided to let it go, it was more than likely to be nothing nothing. Right?

Later in the year I noticed that I was constantly pulling my back out after a workout. No matter what I did, walking wasn’t an option by the time I got home from the gym. By early January I was tired of my back problems and decided to start researching what my prognosis could be. I read several different articles on back issues and causes but nothing mentioned my symptoms until I opened a blog from a young girl in the UK. Everything she wrote was almost exactly what I had been feeling for months, she was diagnosed with a liposarcoma. The very next morning I scheduled my physical.

After countless MRI’s, CT scans, and UCLA Sarcoma center visits – today I start radiation. The journey begins to wholeness. My dreams have been put on hold, so for now, I’m singing in the rain.

My parents raised me in a christian home and I have always had a personal relationship with God into my adult years. I truly believe that I would have never had the lump checked if it weren’t for my spirit speaking to me, my heart knew. It is times like these I now see that ones faith either shows up or steps out. Although for a second the diagnoses felt consuming, my faith showed up in that doctors office. I’ve cried, laughed, cried and laughed some more. I don’t ask “why me?”, because then that would imply I would want someone else to have this. I don’t question God and his will for my life, because I know he’s with me. This is life. We are all walking each day hoping for the best result but when we don’t receive the news we wanted, when life doesn’t happen the way we planned, that is where true character is built.

In this exact moment I was given a choice on how I want to show up in life. I choose to believe in a God who heals. I choose to walk by faith and not by sight. I choose to live an extraordinary life. I choose to live a life worth living and on purpose. I’m not going to hide my tears or sadness, I’m going to boast in the beauty of what God has given me. I choose to live.

If there is anyone out there who knows about myxoid liposarcoma, I would love to hear positive feedback. I would love to hear your story. For those who have cancer or have been diagnosed with cancer, I am here, you are not alone.

~ Idalia K.